It has been just over six weeks since my bicycle accident and is something that plagues me on a daily basis.
Still with pain in my right knee which is due to be scanned in a couple of weeks, I hurts to think of myself on a bicycle. This is not from the thought of physical capability but from the fear and trepidation of not being up to it mentally.
In recent weeks I have felt isolated not being able to talk about the accident or cycling which had always been a big part of my life both in practice and verbal promotion. Each time I was drawn into conversation about cycling and the accident in particular I had to stop in my tracks or break down in tears without any warning. So, what I do is avoid the topic completely and not get trapped on the subject when it comes along.
Sleep is another factor, or should I say the lack of it. Getting to sleep is a problem as my mind wanders into many areas, including reflections on the accident focusing of the sequential events of that ill fated morning. From the joy of a lovely morning in second wind on quiet roads looking forward to the undulating road across the other side of Kingsbury Road, to the sound of the van crashing into the car, then the deflected car speeding towards me and the head on impact into me. The lying in the street realising I was injured and daren't move, which felt like a lifetime of waiting. People around me staring, then the police, the paramedics and total confusion. Trying to be polite and not cause people trouble joking but from shock.
The journey to hospital in the ambulance with sirens running, the rest was a blur until I found myself outside the hospital with some surgeons trousers on and broken cycling SPD shoes faced with getting public transport home. All I remember about that was deciding whether I should actually go to work at that point, even though I was in severe pain! Why? I did go to work the next day and that was a bad decision
Even now I feel it hard to write about this and I have butterflies in my stomach thinking about how I can cope it I cannot mentally get back on a cycle again. Depressive thoughts.
I need therapy and counselling I feel. Being a very strong mentally disciplined person I felt I could get through this myself by now by pushing myself hard to make out there is nothing wrong with me, but I can't. The though of buying another bicycle usually excites me immensely, but it doesn't for the first time in my life and I have no incentive to look. This is very worrying and out of character for me as anyone who knows me would tel you.
Right now I just want to stay in my flat and not talk to anyone, not text or ring friends and feel like a recluse. At work I get angry, whereas that is completely the opposite of my history of working practice as a teacher/trainer.
Seeing other cyclists on the road make me feel quite numb and I am not sure what to make of them. There is a no thought of emotion seeing cyclists. Why?
Lastly, the planned cycle rides and events I had booked up and planned will not be ridden as it stands. I really don't know how I can live without those normally exciting goals in front of me!
